Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
