I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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