my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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