Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
