this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
