i just wanna soil my oats bro
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Best friends brother. Beat that.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
