Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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