Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
