i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
