i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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