My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
