This is not my ceiling
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
