Will you blow on my dice?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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