i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Houston, we have a squirter
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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