Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
