So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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