The maid of honor just puked.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My breath smells like gin and sadness
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
