first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
