Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
