Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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