i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
