watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My dick has a subreddit
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
