I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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