No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
