I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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