Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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