I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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