The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
