life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
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