this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
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We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
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I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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