I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Randomize
