apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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