Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
