May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
