i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
