I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My hand turned me down
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
