at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
