I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
