Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
