You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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