I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
