I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
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Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
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I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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