i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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