My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
pray to the hookup gods
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
