Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
