phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
