I wish life had little blips of pornography
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
and i looked up. we had an audience...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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