Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
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when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
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I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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