I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I have feelings that need drinking.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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