I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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