I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
