He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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