on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I am available for nakedness
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
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