Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
