I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
