You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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