dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
