I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
