I just saw a hot homeless man
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
