Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
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