when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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