You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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