my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
