my sisters under your porch take her home
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
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The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
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I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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