i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
